19 and no dating experience at age
“It's no use talking to her, she won't be interested in me”. even if you have very limited experience with the opposite sex. . after she hasn't replied in ages you seek her validation that she feels the .. March 9, at That s just how life works. Here is buried Deckel. Or that the waiter at your favorite restaurant always leads you to the single-occupancy table. However, I am still. Take everything I say here with major grains of salt, and know that there is no way I think that my experience could possibly speak to all women.
A friend of mine felt closed off to a man who pursued her for more than a year. The men she was drawn to instead tended to be unreliable and emotionally distant. What she found, to her surprise, was a high-level relationship choice, a partner with whom she shared a great deal of mutual interest, and, ultimately, genuine love.
We may actually find ourselves in a relationship that is so much more rewarding than those we have experienced. They believe they want a fulfilling relationship more than anything, but they believe even more firmly that no one worthwhile would be interested in them.
Our lack of confidence leaves us giving off signals of not being open, creating a catch 22 in the realm of dating. Some struggle to make eye contact or are reluctant to scan the room for who they might be attracted to. When they are drawn to someone, they may fail to pursue their strongest attractions for lack of self-esteem.
We may be afraid of looking like a fool or of not being chosen. The simple truth is: It is scary to take a chance and go for what we want and compete, but when we do, we most often find it is well worth it to face our fears. We end up with a stronger sense of self, and we increase our chances of creating a relationship with the partner we really desire. Modern women are more and more successful, accomplished and self-sufficient, which are all extremely positive developments. Yet as both men and women get more comfortable, be it financially or practically, it is also easier for them to form a bubble from which it is difficult to emerge.
It can feel harder to take risks or put themselves out there. The encouragement we feel to stay home or stay safe often comes from our critical inner voice. Have a glass of wine. While you may technically date this woman, use your common sense. If you see that she is unwise in her decisions, looking up to you, getting more attached to you than you are to her, and so on, then for the love of [decency], don't get involved and find someone who is your equal.
I think on some level you sense this already, but you are so besotted by her sexiness that it is clouding your common sense.
The best way to leave her undamaged is to Otherwise, I think you're overthinking this. She's legal, you're aware of the issue. I don't think this is 'inability to consent' territory. In fact, I find it kind of insulting to her to deny her that agency in the matter. Campsite rule, and be sensitive to if she's really not into it, but doesn't have the experience to know it.
Be aware she doesn't have experience in the communications part of relationships, so you might have to do more than your share in that area. If you're correctly characterizing your relative maturity, experience, etc. And that makes the guy in retrospect pretty unappealing, when you realize that if they met you now with the same personality, but with forty more pounds and 20 more wrinkles and a slightly healthier sense of skepticism they'd pass you right on by.
Unless you are uncannily mellow and she is uncannily mature which is seems is not the case. You are going to do no harm with a cup of coffee. I think you are meta-bean-plating, at least at this junction. And also, who are you to make assumptions about what she may or may not be thinking? If you are heading into this patronising and paternalistic, that is creepy. You're making it creepy. Are you finding some of the attraction in the subversiveness and risk of the situation?
Because that's not fair to her at all. Also she may not even be of legal drinking age, assuming you're in the US? And if you hang out with her friends, are you going to end up the designated party beer-buyer?
And for her, god, even if you are perfectly behaved in every way, to me part of the experience and joy and heartbreak of young love is having the freedom to be dumb and maybe make bad decisions and whatever, but do so with someone who is equally dumb and young and in love so that it's not this inherently either paternalistic or predatory thing.
You're, what, 13 years older than she is? Not a big deal. Unless you're leaving out some salient fact, like that you're her boss or professor or something, I don't see this as some big ethical dilemma. Not everything has to turn into some sort of three-act opera with powerful political ramifications.
She's not a child, and I assume she knows you're older than she is. And as others have pointed out, there's no reason to assume she's a virgin; I lost my virginity in my late teens and I don't think I had ever been out on what I'd have termed a "date" in the way that term is generally defined.
Look if it doesn't feel totally okay--it probably ISN'T totally okay. She gets to think what she thinks. If this goes beyond coffee, then you have to be very clear with her and yourself what you want out of this.
Give her the information she needs to make a decision at all times. She's capable of making her own decisions and her own mistakes. You're the only variable you will ever be able to control in these situations. This problematizes not only relationships between people in unequal positions of professional power e.
If she ends up finding you a creepy opportunistic cad and deeming you such in her memory, well - them's the breaks. Given the experience of my friend circle, I would say this is an overwhelmingly likely ultimate outcome; and her experiences and her interpretation of them are her prerogative, not yours.
Look, let's face facts here -- you want to have sex with a year-old.
My understanding is that lots of dudes think about that, so you're not alone or abnormal. But I feel like you're trying to somehow come up with an intellectual loophole so you're not one of THOSE older men who lust over teenagers, and I just don't think there is a terribly valid way for you to to do that.
In short, the relationship you imagine--which you're actively fantasizing about even before you have that cup of coffee --casts you in the upper, power position. Your translate your alleged concern about her well-being into a narrative where you manage her emotions and even her future thoughts based on your superior awareness and experience.
This is why some of us are reading you as patronizing and patriarchal. Most of what I have to say about dating an older person seems relatively trivial, but the underlying issue is that the older person has to respect the younger one.
The younger person you are dating is not a "baby," for instance, though one of my girlfriends enjoyed telling me I was. The younger person has the right to be at the stage of life they are, and to learn by living through the subsequent stages, without being humiliated or condescended to. It's true that one of the things you may well enjoy is the other person's youth, but this does not mean you know better than them what they want and need.
If you find yourself routinely thinking you know better than your younger partner, you need to either very carefully evaluate and monitor your words and actions, or consider that you are not a good candidate for dating someone younger. It is common for the older person to have more financial resources than the younger one; as in any relationship, the financial balance of the relationship should be addressed head-on, and money never ever used for inappropriate exertion of power.
There are two people in the relationship, and "people" are the decision-making unit, not dollars. My last girlfriend and I were long-distance, and when we wanted to visit, we got in the habit of each of us saying up-front how much we could contribute to getting together, and then deciding together how best to use our pooled resources.
That was a good system for us. It is best if you don't pretend there isn't an age difference. The year-old I dated when I was 27 wanted to deal with the age difference by not ever referring to it. For me, this was as bad in some ways as the girlfriend who used to say, "you're such a baby," when she thought I was acting my age.
The age difference exists, and you can't talk about any challenges or pleasures that arise from that if you can't talk about it at all. One reason I liked dating older women was that they offered me glimpses into stages of life I hadn't entered yet: I appreciated the experience and knowledge older girlfriends brought to the relationship but didn't want to be treated as if I was deficient simply for being younger and less experienced. Express your intention to not be patronizing, and check in about how you're doing.
My most recent girlfriend was 21 years younger than me, and one of the smartest people I know. But she was young in experience in some ways. For instance, I'd been with my primary partner for 20 years when we started dating; she and her primary partner had been together for not quite three years, and it was the longest relationship either of them had ever had. Sometimes she would ask me to offer some perspective, and I could do that, but it was also very important to remember that she and her girlfriend were very different people than me and my partner.
I would sometimes tell stories from the early days of my long relationship, but I tried not to offer explicit advice for their relationship based on ours, if that makes sense. I think I did a good job of not patronizing her, but when I thought I had slipped, I apologized. And if I slipped and didn't catch it, she let me know. Pay attention to the things that your younger partner has to teach you. My years-younger girlfriend grew up in a different time and a very different environment than I did; I found listening to her talk about her life fascinating.
She was also brilliantly smart, and I learned a lot from listening to her talk about her studies and her work. She was so adept at handling children, including and especially very difficult ones, that I sometimes asked her for parenting advice. I definitely had things to teach her I thinkbut it wasn't a one-way street.
My respect for her was and is immense. She was sexy, energetic, youthful in a way that maybe you can't fully appreciate until you're approaching 50, but those things aren't enough. That I respected her and recognized that there were things she knew more about than I did mattered a lot.
19 and no dating experience at age
I think a relationship without that respect and sense of mutual exploration is probably objectifying. I thought, but didn't say, did not say ever no matter how many times the subject came up, that the late 20s are a common time for people to change their minds about that sort of thing.I'm 21 And I've Never Had A Girlfriend
Now, a scant 21 months later, they have been married a month and are actively trying to get pregnant. I'm not surprised by this, but if I'd predicted it I'd have been a condescending ass, and might well have been wrong. Bite your tongue if your younger person is seeming naive, unless the possible consequences of not speaking are very bad in some way.
I think this all boils down to: If you can't feel that respect, or if you can't resist age-based teasing and advice-giving, date someone older. When I was her age, I was asked out by men your age, and it was flattering. But, you aren't treating her as a dating equal here. You are already entering in to this relationship treating her as a project and someone you can mold and influence. If I knew any of the men that had asked me out posted a question like this, I would have high-tailed it out of any future interactions with them.
It's too late - you've already crossed that line. If you were really and truly interested in being in a normal, healthy relationship with her, this question would have not needed to be asked the way it did. I recognize your username, so I'm pretty sure I know exactly what you're talking about here, and it isn't imo something that is remotely ethical to try to do to someone who might still be a teenager, especially when she admittedly has no dating or relationship experience whatsoever.
But considering your highly specific and unique sexual requirements, all I can do is beg you not to try to entangle her in your desired arrangement until she has at least a few more years of living and at least a couple of 'vanilla' relationships under her belt. I mean, I totally get that you desperately want to bang her, but desperately wanting to bang someone doesn't mean you're going to be able to keep their best interests in mind while you navigate a baked-in power differential.
And tbh, when we're talking about a mids dude who desperately wants to bang a teen- or very early something woman whom he barely knows at all, her best interests are going to be the absolute least of his concerns, period. So you might try to consider this a heads-up that how you think you come off and how you actually come off can be two very, very different things.
You know the answer. I hate that it's starting to become creepy now. I would love to bone him buhleeve me I would. But I just have to accept that it's not my time any more and leave the kids to the kids. You can only manage your own feelings and your own actions. Your question makes me queasy and I can't really pinpoint why exactly.
I'm not generally skeeved out by stuff like this but something here feels I think your best bet is to not date her. You don't seem to be approaching this from a "oh and you happen to be young, whatever" standpoint which I think matters a lot in relationships like this.
It seems like something else is going on here. If you do date her, quit with the managing her feelings stuff. So what if she feels like you took advantage of her in ten years time? She gets to feel whatever she feels. I think you're afraid she's going to feel this way because deep down you know it's true: It's not incidental, it is the thing. If she were 40 lbs heavier, saggier, wrinkled and tired with the weight of a few failed relationships on her conscious and heart would you still want to "do complicated sexual things to her"?
It's fine to be attracted to someone young and naive but you don't have to act on it. I asked her out because of exceedingly uncommon interests in common please trust me on this … But, of course, part of the reason I asked her out is because I'm possibly interested in doing intricate and complicated sexual things to her and with her, in the context of comprehensibility, predictability, and consent.
The squickiness I think some people are feeling about the latter admission might be diminished if that's also what she's after. IHNJH, it just isn't really clear and it seems like it might be relevant, though desjardins is probably still right about the deep end.
If you are indeed an HPV carrier, it's a strain that has resulted in more than one of your female partners presenting abnormal PAP smears. Have you gotten tested for these STIs yet?
Are you planning to enter a sexual relationship with a 19 year old girl while suspecting yourself to be a vector for an STI that routinely leads to cancer in the women it affects? I don't know what's going on with you, but you have much, much bigger problems than whether or not you should be going on a date with this 19 year old.
You are using compulsive sexuality as an escape from dealing with your life responsibilities and attempting to get Metafilter to enable you in doing so. Please go get your shit together, go to Planned Parenthood and get tested for the STIs you suspect you've been spreading among your sexual partners, and no, do not date this girl.
Would you be willing to tell her what you want to do to her sexually right off the bat or send her a link to this and see what's going on in your mind? If not, you're trying to figure out how to manipulate an inexperienced young woman into bed while turning off the misgivings you already have about it.
And I would dictate eye contact Basically, yes, I want to do what I want. And I want her to feel like I'm doing what I want. But I also want her to feel safe, very aroused, and emotionally connected, afterwards. Please don't date this inexperienced teenager. It's just not fair. Use the energy to get your life together and stop distracting yourself from the bigger issues affecting your life.
That's great that you're into whatever you're into but don't drag someone else into complicated sex if they've never had uncomplicated sex. Like, I don't know man, sex is complicated enough already as is.
The fact that you're so forceful about saying "but only if she wants it! You shouldn't have to argue so hard or even remind us as readers that you're only interested in "complicated" sex with her if she wants it. Any time someone says that it really gives me pause. I don't need you to tell me that you're going to respect her autonomy. I automatically assume that.
You being so forceful about it makes me think that is kind of an issue for you. You're probably going to make her feel like you took advantage of her at some point unless you pretend you're totally into vanilla sex and wait until she maybe maybe one day brings up an interest in "complicated" sex, whatever that is to you.
There's no other way for you to play this without her thinking you're a creep either now or sometime down the road. Ask me how I know. The older person is often in control and directing the relationship to their liking and the younger person doesn't have enough experience to know the difference.
Is it strange to be 19 years old and not have dated anyone? - Quora
This isn't every relationship. Can two adults of differing ages have a healthy, viable relationship? But the fact remains that this person is mere years from childhood.